OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
