i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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