just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
