im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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