why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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