i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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