Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize