i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
