is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
