Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
