last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We were destined to go to rehab together
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
