the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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