Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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