i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
