take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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