i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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