she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
