R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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