I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm both gender and math confused
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
