3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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