I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You may now shotgun with the bride
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
