Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
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He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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