she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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