I want to have your abortion
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
