dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
