if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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