did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
