I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
