I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
