A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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