i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
