I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
