The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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