she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
