You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
