I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
