I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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