You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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