All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
