I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
