Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
