I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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