Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
