I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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