I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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