Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
