My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
