my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
