But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
