He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
