in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
