I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
