There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Couch. On fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
