I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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