I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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