She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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