it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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